[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.