[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
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“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol