[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
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I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?