[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
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Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.