[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
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I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT