[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
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INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.