Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
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How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Ugh
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.