Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

“Time is of the essence”

Twitter: Hahaha nope

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

[santa gently waking me] you live like this?

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.