Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

Me when I hear gossip

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?

ME: have you restarted your computer?

MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.

Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”

– People who haven’t met me yet

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

Goat cheese is for herders.

Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

Ffs laughed out loud 😂