being human is disgusting sometimes but i don’t think i’d want to be a fish
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Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
🔦🌙👣
