being human is disgusting sometimes but i don’t think i’d want to be a fish
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[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“i am a sweet baby”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
sounds kinky. i’m in.
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.