being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
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brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser