Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Does this look infected?”

*points to the entire world*

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

“Of course I’ve tried that!”

– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.

2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life

iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.