Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
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I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.