Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
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In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
the council will decide your fate
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Basically.
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Holy shit he’s back
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
I love snow
– People who never shovel
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one