Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
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JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.