Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber

BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)

*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.