Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
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There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.