Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
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Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Lol.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end