Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
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Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
fixed it
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I want what they have
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
very niche meme I made
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.