being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
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Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
If you need a laugh.. 😅