THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
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*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I can’t diet because it would devastate the local fast food economy, and frankly, I just don’t think I could live with that kind of guilt.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Dear Google Maps,
Don’t insult me by telling me to head “southwest”. If I knew where southwest was, I wouldn’t be using you.
“Hi can I just have a single burger?”
I’m sorry, all of our burgers are in a relationship
“But that’s not eve-
Please show some respect