being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
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Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL