being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
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Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
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Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
if i had a bf i’d be a gf
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.