being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
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[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said