being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
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*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me