being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
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Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
My wife has the worst taste in men.
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway