Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.

Trying

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

[company all-hands Zoom call]

CEO: The future is ahead of us!

Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

the world’s most popular steaming services

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.