Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
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Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Rare photo of two submarines racing
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
everyone’s a critic
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
selena gomez
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
These are so Plastic Man-core
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.