Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
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I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Sounds like a bargain
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me