Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

How wrong was this guy?

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this