Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…

turning my gender off to conserve energy

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.

Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world

Smokey the bear: o hell no

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

Trying

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”