Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

Ion see the issue

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

Kidnapper: your coming with me

Me: * you’re

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?