Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Tier 3 meme
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
And bowling should be called pinball
i want it utterly assaulted.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time