Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”

I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.