Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
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My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.
Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.Bread.
The kid likes bread.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.