being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
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I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
😆this is so true
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”