Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

Strange

My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

Can’t stop laughing.. 😂

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.

Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming