being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
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My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Breaking news:
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger