being insane should at least burn calories
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The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?