[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
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Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.