Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you

Cats: no it’s murder

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.