Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

New mindset, who dis?

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.