[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
