Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

Wonders if chickens do the funky people.

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…

“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.