Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

Saw a TikTok where this woman’s car caught on fire & only her Stanley cup survived, Stanley responded that they’re buying her a new car. I’ve bought myself a Stanley cup and I’m hoping for the best.

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

Why was the picture sent to prison?

It was framed.

It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.

You have to keep it to a low ha.

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?