Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
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The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox