Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
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Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…