Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

She said she liked it doggy style…

…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth