Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Pikachu found the lost joint

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!

[Later]

Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea

At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.

Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

get you someone as goofy as you.. is.

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.

I’m never included in anything.