[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
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Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I have two kinds of followers
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.