Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
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Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ