Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

Think I pulled my liver

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

What do you call a moose with no name?

Anonymoose

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out

[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?