Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
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Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
the short answer to this question
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I went from rags to one rag.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.