Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.

Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”

Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.