Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
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Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
