Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
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My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Netflix and awkward silence?
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.