Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
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[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.