Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
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Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)