Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

Thank you 🥹

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.

Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.

Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

*explosion walks away from me in slow motion

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

When I laugh on my period

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.