Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
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When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???