Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
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How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
October already? What’s next? November????
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
Oh the world we live in…
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her: