Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

#parenting

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.