Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

“Great, now I have to pee.”

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”