Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

I’m not average. I’m mean.

Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

You better watch out

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

😂😭

me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”