*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
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[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
i now pronounce you bounced.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.