Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate

Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.