Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

oh u like geography? name every lake

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

Me: I brought you some bird seed.

Rad Pigeon: Coo’

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.