*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
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My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.