Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me: “William”

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.

Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶

His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased

The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to