Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

Movie Idea:

Lohan.

Bynes.

Statham.

DEATH RACE 2

I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

Note to self: always read the final line

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?

ME:

FRIEND:

ME: to what?

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

Everything reminds me of my ex

I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.