[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
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Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]