[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
You Might Also Like
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Perfection.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?