[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
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ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.